Breaking silence about violence

South Asians find help to end domestic abuse

CARY - Sumita Bose never expected marriage to be like the one she escaped.

After coming to the United States in 1996 for school and a job, the Indian woman

married her husband because she loved him and believed he was a good man. But when he was laid off shortly after their marriage in 2001, something snapped. The once attentive spouse turned angry and violent, often philandering and lashing out at Bose, the breadwinner.

Without any friends or family in this country, Bose put up with physical and verbal abuse for years, court records show. She was once beaten so badly she ruptured her amniotic sac and went into labor, giving birth with black eyes and bruised arms.It took four years of therapy and guidance for Bose to make it to court - but she did - and judges awarded her a divorce, full custody of her 4-year-old son and a domestic violence restraining order against her husband.

But Bose, 37, of Cary, says she could not have made it that far without Kiran, a Raleigh-based nonprofit group that offers multilingual support and legal aid to South Asian survivors of domestic violence.

"It is important when the person on the other end of the line has some cultural understanding of what you're going through," said Bose. "I don't know what would've happened to me if I didn't find out about them."

The staff of Kiran, which means "ray of light" in Hindi, wants to create culturally-specific resources so abused men and women like Bose have somewhere to turn in the Triangle, which is home to about 30,000 South Asians.

"There are many women who are in abusive situations and don't realize it," said Rovina Nimbalkar, Kiran's director.

Domestic violence exists across all racial and socioeconomic communities.

But there are some cultural differences in South Asia, a region that includes Pakistan, India, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Bhutan and Burma. Many South Asian immigrants come from families who buy into certain cultural beliefs that frown upon divorce and emphasize family decision-making.

"You'll have women here who don't leave because they're afraid if they go back to India, they'll ruin their younger sister's chances of getting married," Nimbalkar said.

Survivors are sometimes told that it is their "duty" to keep the family and marriage intact.

Nimbalkar said it's important to raise awareness and reach out to South Asian survivors in a way that is culturally sensitive.

The state agreed, awarding the group almost $84,000 in federal grant money in the spring of 2008. Since then, the group has served over 100 clients through support groups, a 24-hour counseling line and referrals.

"There are some people in the South Asian community who see our flyers, who see our brochures, and they feel angry and wonder why we exist," Nimbalkar said. "But there are others who approach us curiously, and I think they find comfort in knowing there's a name for what they experience. And then we hope they call us later."

High-profile cases such as that of Harish Patel, a Cary man convicted last month for the first-degree murder of his estranged Indian wife, who had complained of domestic abuse to family, are extreme and rare - but can at least garner attention for an often unspoken subject.

Few statistics exist on South Asians experiencing domestic violence in the United States.

In one of the few studies, researchers Anita Raj and Jay Silverman found more than 40 percent of 160 surveyed South Asian women living in Boston were victims of intimate partner violence. Of those women, only 10 percent ever sought counseling or other services.

Asian-Americans, of which South Asians are a part, underreport partner abuse, experts said. Just 12.8 percent of Asian and Pacific Islander women in the United States reported experiencing physical assault by an intimate partner at least once in their lifetime - the lowest rate of any other racial group, according to Department of Justice statistics.

Domestic abuse goes beyond physical violence.

Verbal bullying, financial control and, for immigrant men and women, threats to legal status, are all forms of domestic violence.

In particular, Kiran targets immigrants who may hesitate to reach out to police, shelters, courts and other agencies because of language barriers, financial constraints and fear of deportation.

"Immigrant spouses are more likely to be dependent on their partner," Nimbalkar said.

"They're more likely to be abused, and they are often unaware that what's happening to them is wrong."

For Bose, admitting there was a problem to her family back in India was a challenge.

Her family had been against the marriage from the start, she says, and telling them it wasn't working would prove them right.

"There are also specific power dynamics with the family structure and organization that can make it difficult for an abused person to speak out," Nimbalkar said. "There are women in South Asia who also believe that they're only supposed to have one marriage their whole life."

To be sure, it's important not to stereotype and lump disparate South Asian groups together, said Katherine Ewing, a Duke University professor who studies South Asia.

For example, though stigma may exist, divorce is still legally permitted in Islam, she said.

It is not as easy in Hindu cultures.

"It's not a cultural phenomenon as much as a logistical phenomenon of migrant families undergoing a lot of stress," Ewing said. "When she doesn't have a support network when she gets here and is unable to reach out, that's where there's a real problem."

Ewing said groups like Kiran should make sure to treat each family on an individual basis.

"These are people who are sensitive to the ideas and the experiences and the backgrounds of the people who are coming to them," she said. "This is a community that might not feel comfortable reaching out to certain social services, and I think that's huge."

Bose's own nightmare is finally over.

Through Kiran, Bose attended support groups and filed for divorce.

At her Cary home, there are no more shouted death threats or tufts of pulled hair. Bose continues to work full-time while living with her 4-year-old son. And now, she also speaks out on behalf of South Asian survivors of domestic violence with Kiran.

"Speaking out helps me to heal," she said. "They gave me my life back."

BY SADIA LATIFI, Staff Writer for Cary News

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